This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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