i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
