Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
