I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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