if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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