His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
