DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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