i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
