My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
operation harelip BJ is a go
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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