I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
