my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
