one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
