it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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