i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
