You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
