So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
