it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
