So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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