Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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