you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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