I take back everything I said about communal showers
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
