She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
