Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
this beer tastes like vomit already
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
