I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Found the puke drawer
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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