So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
its liver damage thursday
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
