Heybabeimwearingurpanties
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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