Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
