Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
