hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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