dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
