It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
