I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
