it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
