Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
