just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
a search helicopter?!
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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