why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
