Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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