why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
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we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
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Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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