I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
