I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
