My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
