Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
