6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
