Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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