Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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