: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
