Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
