Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
