Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
