She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
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It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
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I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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