i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
