When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
