my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
So apparently I’m into choking now
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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