I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
