Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
it glows. i had to have it.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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