Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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