just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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