The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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