Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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