Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
