I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
